SUERTRES 727: Last Night Results

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Last Night Results

For September 12, 2015 Saturday
EZ2 Two Lotto
Morning 11am: 13-21
Afternoon 4pm: 08-19
Evening 9pm: 15-22
Winning numbers in exact order
Php 4,000.00 per 10 peso play
Swertres 3 Lotto Luzon Vis-Min
Morning 11:00 am: 9-1-0
Afternoon 4:00 pm: 1-3-4
Evening 9:00 pm: 6-3-1
Winning numbers in exact order
Php 4,500 per 10 peso play

No comments:

Joke from email

REMOVING GALLSTONES NATURALLY...

By: Dr. Lai Chiu Nan

It has worked for many. If it works for you please pass on the good news. Dr. Lai is not charging for it, so we should make it free for everyone. Your reward is when someone, through your word of mouth, benefits from the regime. Gallstones may not be everyone's concern. But they should be because we all have them. Moreover, gallstones may lead to cancer. "Cancer is never the first illness," Dr. Lai points out. "Usually, there are a lot of other problems leading to cancer.

In my research in China , I came across some materials which say that people with cancer usually have stones. We all have gallstones. It's a matter of big or small, many or few.

One of the symptoms of gallstones is a feeling of bloatedness after a heavy meal. You feel like you can't digest the food. If it gets more serious, you feel pain in the liver area." So if you think you have gallstones, Dr. Lai offers the following method to remove them naturally.

The treatment is also good for those with a weak liver, because the liver and gallbladder are closely linked.

Regimen:
1. For the first five days, take four glasses of apple juice every day. Or eat four or five apples, whichever you prefer. Apple juice softens the gallstones. During the five days, eat normally.

2. On the sixth day, take no dinner.

3. At 6 PM, take a teaspoon of Epsom salt (magnesium sulphate) with a glass of warm water.

4. At 8 PM, repeat the same. Magnesium sulphate opens the gallbladder ducts.

5. At 10 PM, take half cup olive oil (or sesame oil) with half cup fresh lemon juice. Mix it well and drink it. The oil lubricates the stones to ease their passage.

The next morning, you will find green stones in your stools. "Usually they float," Chiu Nan notes. "You might want to count them. I have had people who passes 40, 50 or up to 100 stones. Very many."

"Even if you don't have any symp tom s of gallstones, you still might have some. It's always good to give your gall bladder a clean-up now and then.

Now you know!!!!

Repost and share anything just as long as you include Dr. Lai Chiu Nan's name in it.

Read more at:
http://happyhomemaker88.com/tag/dr-lai-chiu-nans-gallstone-natural-remedy/

DELAYED

Wife: hon delayed ako ,
wag mo munang ipagsasabi
ha bka magkakaroon din
ako nkakahiya if di
matuloy na magkakababy
tayo

NEXT MORNING DUMATING
ANG TGA MERALCO

wife: yes ano po un
meralco: ma'am delayed po
kayo ng one month
Wife : huh!!!!

Husband: hoy paano mo
nlaman ha !!!! Trantado ka
ah

Meralco: eh NASA record po
eh, kong gusto nyong
mawala sa record
magbayad po kayo

Husband: eh kung Ayaw
kong magbayad

Meralco: puputulan po kayo

Husband: ha!!! Trantado eh
anong gagamitin nang
aking asawa

Meralco : eh di KANDILA po!

Proof - that the world is crazy!!!
>
> Fact No. 1 ......
> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
> animals. But, the animals must be
> female. Having sexual relations with a male animal, is
> punishable by death ! Comment ......
> Does this make sense ?
>
> Fact No. 2 ...... In
> Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
> genitals. But, he is prohibited from looking directly at
> them, during the examination. He may only see their
> reflection in a mirror ! Comment ...... Do
> they look different, in reverse ?
>
> Fact No. 3
> ...... Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
> corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
> The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick, or piece of
> wood, at all times ! Comment
> ...... Brick ? Wood ?? What is
> this ???
>
> Fact No. 4 ...... The penalty for
> masturbation, in Indonesia, is decapitation
> ! Comment ...... Lord
> ! This is much worser than the theory of "
> Going Blind " !!!
>
>
> Fact No. 5 ...... There are men in Guam, whose full-time
> job, is to travel the countryside and de-flower young virgins, whose
> fathers pay them, for the privilege of their daughters having sex for the
> first time ! That is because, under Guam
> law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry
> !!! Comment ...... Now let me think ...... Is
> there any job, anywhere else in the world, that even comes close to
> this ?
>
> Fact No. 6 ...... In Hong Kong, a betrayed
> wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband.
> But, she may only do so, with her bare hands
> ! Comment ...... No wonder, the Chinese
> teach their daughters Kung-Fu !!!
>
> Fact No. 7
> ...... In Hong Kong, the same betrayed wife, may kill her husband's
> illicit lover, in any manner desired !
> Comment ...... Aaaah ! Justice
> !!!
>
> Fact No. 8 ...... Topless saleswomen, are legal in
> Liverpool, England. But, only in tropical fish
> stores ! Comment ...... But,
> of-course !!!
>
> Fact No. 9 ...... In Cali,
> Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband.
> And the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness
> the act ! Comment ...... Whaaaat
> ??? Will the husband even get it up ? Makes
> one shudder at the thought !!!
>
> Fact No. 10 ...... In
> Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> woman and her daughter at the same time !
> Comment ...... I presume this problem, was so great, that they had
> to pass this law !!!
>
> Fact No. 11 ...... In
> Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
> exception : Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine,
> only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
> premises ! Comment ...... Would like to meet
> the originator of this law ! Is this a great
> country, or what ? But ...... not as great as
> Guam !
>
> Fact No. 12 ...... Banging your head,
> against a wall, uses 150 Calories an hour
> ! Comment ...... Exactly, who volunteers for
> such tests ?
>
> Fact No. 13 ...... The ant can lift 50
> times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always
> falls over, on its right side, when intoxicated
> ! Comment ...... Intoxicated from drinking bottles
> of ? Did our Government actually pay for this "
> research " ?
>
> Fact No. 14 ...... Butterflies,
> taste with their feet. Comment ...... Who exactly
> did this all important " research " for the benefit of
> mankind ?
>
>
> Fact No. 15 ...... The eye of an Ostrich, is bigger than
> its brain ! Comment ...... I know some
> people like that !
>
> Fact No. 16 ......
> Starfish, don't have brains !
> Comment ...... I know some people like that, too
> !
>
> Fact No. 17 ...... Turtles can breathe through their
> butts ! Comment ...... And I
> thought, some people had bad breath !
>
>
> I
> think, I have educated you enough. If you wish to get in
> touch with me, I shall be in Guam !!!

EKSENA SA JEEP:

GIRL: Bayad po!
Driver: Ilan tong 50?
GIRL: Isa lang, estudyante, nursing sa Ateneo, kasasakay lang!
BOY: (nayabangan, nagbayad ng 500)Manong, bayad!
DRIVER: (galit) Ilan itong 500?
BOY: Isa lang. Keep the change. Seaman, kakarating lang!
SIRA ULO: (Tumatawa, inabot ang 1000) Manong, bayad!
Driver: (galit na galit) Peste!... Ilan itong 1000?
SIRA ULO: Tatlo, isama mo ang Nurse at Seaman. Keep the change, galing mental, kalalabas lang

Children Are Quick
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Hindi lahat ng party ay masaya-- 3RD PARTY
Hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas-- 13TH MONTH PAY
Hindi lahat ng negative nakakalungkot- -PREGNANCY TEST (whew)
Hindi lahat ng positive ipinasasaya -- HIV POSITIVE
************ ********* *******
Panibagong sagot sa tanong na: "musta lovelife?"
"eto self supporting."
************ ********* *******
Inday: Ate, kailangan daw ipa EXTRAY ulo ni junior?
Mother: Gaga anong EXTRAY?
Inday: Ano pu ba, ati?
Mother: CT SKULL!! Bobo!
************ ********* *******
( I Like this one)

Bahay ng mag-asawa pinasok ng killer....
Killer: Bago ko patayin lahat ng biktima ko ay kinikilala ko muna.
Ikaw mrs., ano ang pangalan mo?
Mrs: Inday po.
Killer: Napakagandang pangalan, kapangalan mo nanay ko. Hindi na kita papatayin. Ikaw,
Mr., no pangalan mo?
Mr: Ah Pedro po, pero my friends call me Inday.
************ ********* *******

Buyer: Magkano kambing?
Aita: Isang libo.
Buyer: Ha? mahal naman! 800 nalang.
Aita: Di pwede, sabi ASAWA ko wag benta pag di libo.
Buyer: Ganon?! Kalahati libo?
Aita: Yan! Pwede na.
************ ********* *******
Chinese feng shui: If MIRROR at the stairs, may swelte at grasya akyat. If MIRROR at the door, may swelte at grasya pasok. If MIRROR at the ceiling, ikaw swelte, nasa loob ka ng MOTEL!
************ ********* *******
Teacher: Juan, give me colors that start with letter M, except maroon!
Juan: Hhmmm... Maitim! Mapute! Maputla! Madilaw! Mukhang berde! Mejo asul! Mamink-mink!
************ ********* *******

.
********** ********* *******
Mag-ama nakasakay sa barko habang bumabagyo...
Anak: Tay ! Nag-aalala po ako. Parang lulubog ang barko.
Tatay: Tanga! Ba't ka mag-aalala eh di naman atin ito!

************ ********* *******
Isang binata naputulan ng parehong braso, pagdating sa ospital:
Binata: Doc gamutin myo po ako naputol parehong braso ko.
Doc: Mga anong oras ka ba naputulan?
Binata: Mga 10 oras na po.
Doc: 10?! Eh bakit ngayon ka lang pumunta dito?
Binata: HELLO! Mahirap kaya pumara ng jeep!!
************ ********* *******
Nanay: Papauwi ka na ba? Asan ka na?
Anak: Andito po ako sa ospital...
Nanay (umiiyak): Ha? Ano nangyari sayo?!
Anak: Nay, nurse po ako, duty ako ngayon!
************ ********* *******
A large signboard says:
"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY."
Nakita ng lasenggo...
"So what?! Sino ba nagmamadali? "?
************ ********* *******
Misis: Inday, napansin mo ba ang barong ni sir mo lagi na lang may lipstick?
Maid: Opo nga ma'am! Mukang niloloko na tayo ni sir ah?!?!

************ ********* *******
Jr: Nay, nagloko ba si lolo noong buhay pa sya?
Mom: Pag namatay ako, tatangungin ko sya sa langit.
Jr: Eh kung nasa hell si lolo?
Mom: Tatay mo ang magtatanong!
************ ********* *******
Economics Professor: "Now tell me what is the similarity between your bank account and a bra?
Student: "Well, the more in it, the better interest you get."

************ ********* *******
Nanay: Langya! Anak buntis ka?
Anak: Opo nay...
Nanay: sinong may gawa nyan?
Anak: Nay, project po ito tungkol sa miracle of life.
Nanay: Putrages kahit ba sinong Poncio Pilato ang bumuntis sa yo pakukulong ko. Sabihin mo! Sino?!
Anak: Nay...marami po eh...group project...
************ ********* *******
Man to Doctor: Is there a way for long life?
Doc: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doc: No, but the thoughts of long life will never come to your mind again.

************ ********* *******
Wife mad at drunk husband: From now on, lips that touch liquor will never touch mine...
(Later she said): What are you thinking?
Husband: Trying to decide between 12year old Scotch and 50year old lips.

************ ********* ****
Son to dying father: Itay, ano po ang gusto nyo, magpalibing ba o magpa-cremate?
Ama: Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise mo na lang ako.

************ ********* ****
Wife: Dear....nahihirapan akong huminga....
Husband: Dear...kung nahihirapan ka na, e di itigil mo na! O, di bah!

************ ********* ****
Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na un sweets..
Jinky: Nasan honey? Ang lambing mo naman. May pasalubong ka pa sa akin!
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Ang dilim kaya!
************ ********* ****
Pulis: Sino nakakita sa aksidente?
Vendor: Ako sir, ako!
Pulis: Buti naman may witness. Kita mo ba plate number?
Vendor: Oho! Nagsimula ho sa 4
Pulis: Ano kasunod?
Vendor: Registration.
************ ********* ****
Bisaya: Hulaan mo alaga kong hayop nagsimula sa liter i.
DJ: Isda?
Bisaya: Dili man!
Dj: Ibon?
Bisaya: Lapit na.
DJ: Ano nga, siret na!
Bisaya: IGOL.
************ ********* ****
Erap disembark from a PAL flight and was met by reporter who asked, "Sir, what do you think of the economy?"
Erap: I don't know. I was seated in the first class.

****** ********* ****
Misis: Darling, akala ko ba, mahal mo ako...
Mister: Oo nga! Handa akong mamatay alang-alang sayo.
Misis: Sus! Puro ka naman satsat, hindi mo naman ginagawa!

************ ********* ****
Sa isang restaurant:
Waitress: Sir, akala ko ba, nagda-diet kayo?
Customer: Oo nga. Gusto kong pumayat. Kaya nga rito ako kumakain sa restaurant ninyo, kasi hindi masarap ang pagkain kaya konti lang ang
nakakain ko!
************ ********* ****
Tony: Ikaw na naman? Tatlong beses mo na akong na-holdup ngayong taon, ah!
Holdaper: Ganu'n talaga brod. Inaalagaan ang good customer!

********* **********

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?".
First hostage says, "Yes", and is immediately shot. The robber asks second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
Second Hostage, "No, but my wife did."
************ ********* ****
BEWARE! Survey proved that SENIOR MALE CITIZENS are the greatest carrier of AIDS! They have walking AID, hearing Aid, Breathing Aid and most important of all - Erection AID.

Ang Payo ni Bob....

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang
magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang
makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo
lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag kang hahawak kapag alam mong may
hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo
pagsisiksikan ang sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh
meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang
mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka na din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo
sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka
lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa
tanga kundi pagdurusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag kang
magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal
ka naman. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung
pangalawa. Kasi, hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal
mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa
telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may
gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga
taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o
paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima,
sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong
hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o
nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao
higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga
crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo
pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao.. Lalo na kung
hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng
dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong
libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong
tinalikuran mo."

16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay
kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala"

17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan,
at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay
kasinungalingan"

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan
ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para
mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka
sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo
na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang
na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng
loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung
matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o
bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi
IKAW mismo!"

19. "Pakawalan mo yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sa iyo
kahit na pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na
sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng
kasiyahan mo."

20. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong
malalapit sa iyo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili
mo."

21. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal.. .nakakatakot
mahulog... at kapag nahulog ka naman, it's either by
accident or talagang tanga ka."

YUN LANG!

Life and Jokes

IBANG POSISYON:

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan
at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

PINOY INGENUITY?

A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that
enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is
called a magnifiying glass.

REGALO:

Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo,
ah...

Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.

Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?

Mrs: Memorial Plan.

SI GINO:

LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.

APO: 'lo, Gina po.

LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.

APO: 'lo, Gina po.

LOLO: Punyeta ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!

TUTPIK:

Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang,
ang dali pang
mabali!

Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan,
pero kayo lang
nakabali!

CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL:

Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?

Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si
Tikboy, anak ko
rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:

Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?

Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon,
buhay pa ang animal!

SUKO SA MISTER:

Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako
binubugbog bago

niroromansa. ..

Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si
Inday ang

niroromansa.

PAGOD DAW.....

Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.

Mr: Kasi pagod ako.

Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.

Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

PAMBOBOSO:

Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!

Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?

Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para
'di nya makita!

PROMOTION:

Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa
korte ko ah!

Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo
ma-promote.

AMPON:

Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako
sa labas!

Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa
kanila, ampon ka!

ANG SULAT:

Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong
sulatan ang

sarili ko...

Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?

Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata
matatangap.. .

LIIT NAMAN:

Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...

Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..

Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?

DOWNY:

GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...

BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!

GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?

BOY: Baket? Bango ba?

GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong
makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...

MADRE:
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!

RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang
taong nangreype sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang- asar ka pa!!!!

Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito! pag namuti, white gold!
pag huminto stopwatch!"

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

Couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di paki gawa na lang ang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis si husband, pagbalik gawa ng lahat ang sira sa bahay. tinanong niya ang wife kung sino ang gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko ang daming sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake him a cake.
husband : so pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.

Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

Husband: "Parati na lang tayong nag-aaway! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"

Sa harap ng nursery window:
Friend: Pare, paglaki ng anak mo, I am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Anong occasion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women.
After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na ang husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sinunod ko lang ang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya eto - uwi agad ako..

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.

HE HE HE HE !!!!

Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA : we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years...'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
ipagsabi.Nahihiya ako...
Mister: Okey.
(Kinabukasan, dumating Collector ng Meralco.) ..
COLLECTOR: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
MISIS: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
COLLECTOR: Nasa record po.
MISTER: Bakit Naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
COLLECTOR: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sarecord, magbayad kayo!
MISTER: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
COLLECTOR: Puputulan kayo!
MISTER: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
COLLECTOR: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.
=======
JUAN: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
kaming kumain. Ngayongmahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
PEDRO: Baligtad yata?
JUAN: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!
=======
Girl: taguan tayo.. Pag nakita mo ko papayag akong makipag sex sa yo
Boy: eh paano kung hindi kita mahanap??
Girl: ehh.. basta nasa likod lang ako ng pinto!!!
=======
Girl: mag 69 tayo dear
Boy: Paano yun?(pumuwesto na sila at napautot bigla si girl ng 4 na beses)
Boy: Ayoko na!!! hindi ko na kaya yung natitira pang 65!!!!
=======
Census: Mrs. Ilan ba ang anak nyo??
Census: ang dami naman.. hindi ba kayo gumagamit ng pills, condom, withdrawal, o rhythm??
Misis: hindi po.. ITIT lang talga!!!
=======
Hon, pag hawak ko ang bote ng softdrinks na ito.. naaalala ko ang ex-BF
GF: kapag subo ko na ang STRAW!!!
=========
GRO: Miss pabili ng condom, dalawang dosena
Tindera: wow!! Dami naman… Fully booked ba ngayon??
GRO: hindi naman.. may 3-day sale lang…
=========

In an anatomy exam, the teacher asks the class to draw a female reproductive organ… one girl feels shy and looks down….
Then a boy shouts…. "sir oh… may kodigo!!!"
=========
Husband: Malamig na sinangag, matabang na kape, maalat na sabaw, paano ka ba naman gaganahan nito??
Wife: maasim na itlog, malambot na titi, malaking tyan, kala mo ba ginaganahan ako??!!! Tse!!!!
=========
Anak: Itay, bibili ako ng band peper…
Itay: Anak, wag kang bobo ha… hindi "band peper" ang tawag dun…
Anak: ano po ba?
Itay: "Kokongban"
=========
BF: sunduin kita mamaya,bubusina nalang ako
kapag nasa harap na ng bahay nyo
GF: Ok sige, anong dala mong sasakyan
BF: busina lang
=========
Dear Ate Charo: Problema ko po asawa ko Maniac!!!
Luto ako sex kami!!!
Plantsa ako, sex kami!!!
Laba, nood TV, sex kami!!!
Paalam na po… kasi aaahhhh…. Ooooohhhhh….. ayan na…. namaaaannnnn… ..aaa

More Jokes

I Love this Doctor !!!

I found a new doctor, and asked him the following questions during my
last visit. Here were his answers

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is
this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . .
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your

system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field

grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give
you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,

that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more

of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in

the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND . . . .
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.

funny...funny...funny...

-oOo-

Mom: Baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a

question.
Baby: Sure mom
Mom: If your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples,

what's your answer?
Baby: Thank you po!!!

-oOo-
BF: M..may malaki ako problema.
GF: 'Wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil

nagmamahalan tayo. Ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: Nabuntis natin si Inday at tayo ang ama
-oOo-
"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is. To do or not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which there never to you!" - words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.
-oOo-
Pare1: Pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms.

Universe
Pare1: Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: Pare ako nanalo!
-oOo-
Killer: Father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: Ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: Pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: Bakit?
Killer: Kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: Dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang
-oOo-
Patient: Doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: Eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: Ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: Oo doc! pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!
-oOo-
Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: Bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: Sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi

ako driver ng funenaria
-oOo-
1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: Holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: Wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
-oOo-
1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: Hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: Aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: Huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!

-oOo-
In a pet shop...
Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: Hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: Yes I can!!! Ikaw?! Can you fly, ha? GAGO!!!
-oOo-
Priest: Ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: Carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag
slide-slide!!!
-oOo-
Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: Mali
Pare: Amiable?
Bobo: Mali pa rin
Pare: O sige siret na!
Bobo: ANEST...! wehehe!!!
-oOo-
Girl: Doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: Sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: Hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: Sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim
-oOo-
Farmer: Lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na...ano ang

balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: Flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty diba?!

Kids Are Quick ____________ _________ _________ ______ TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .MARIA: Here it is.TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?CLASS: Maria.____________ _________ _________ ______ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.____________ _________ _________ _________ ___ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'TEACHER: No, that's wrongGLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.____________ _________ _________ ____________ __ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?DONALD: H I J K L M N O.TEACHER: What are you talking about?DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.____________ _________ _________ ____TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.WINNIE: Me!TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.____________ _________ _________ _________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'MILLIE: I is..TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ____________ _________ _________ ___ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ____________ _________ _________ ________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.____________ _________ _________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.____________ _________ _________ _____ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?HAROLD: A teacher

JOKE, JOKE, JOKES

Misis : Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?

Mister: Guni-guni!

***
TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya nang hindi siya mababastos?
SAGOT: "Uhm, excuse me, miss...Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?" <>

***
Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga iyun?!

***
Nanay: Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak : Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang 'yan, 'Nay, promise!

***
Mga sikat na salawikain:
Better late than pregnant.
Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!
Aanhin pa ang damo...kabayo ba ako?
Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!
Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.
Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit.

***
Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala...
Guro: Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section sya!

***
Paano humamon ng AWAY ang ...
BULAG?
Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!
DULING?
Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!
PILAY?
Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

***
Pedro: Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang 'yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila.... chura nila! hmpf!

***
Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl: Bakit?!
Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy: Yun nga eh...gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

***
BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator: Wala po, bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!

***
Bigo ka ba sa luv? eto ang mga BEST partners :
Kuba: Mapagkumbaba
Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan
Bulag: walang paki sa looks mo
Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words
Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag-isa!

***
American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul.

***
Quote for the Day...
Ang Buhay ay parang bato... it is HARD !!
***
Love is a hidden fire, a pleasant sore, a soothing pain, an agreeable torment, a sweet wound, in short - a gentle death! Ang lalim! Grabe...! Dati Love is blind lang, eh!
***
Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo problema ko... ano problema natin?
Mister: Nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang ama!

***
Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo...dito lang ako... dito lang talaga ako...tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako..

***
Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"

***
Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko...
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta yung may DIAMOND.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Ha, eh di, ..... Baraha.

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Sunday, September 13, 2015

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